Movember

November is the month when ’70s adult film industry revivalists and Columbian drug lords blend into the New Zealand landscape. As you walk down the street you suspect a hairy slug in beige stubbies to appear around every corner. It is a great time to be a man, letting your follicles grow free – and all for the benefit of men’s health.

Over the years, I have been a frequent Movember participant. 2010 was a particularly proud year when I took down my South Island Area Manager in a Mo vs Mo battle for ultimate supremacy. This year however, I have been a bit tardy. I am quite happy with the current “hobo” beard look I have happening.

So to make amends for my lack of commitment, I have put some thought into the top five jobs for moustachioed brothers and sisters.

Private investigator

In 1980 Thomas Magnum graced our screens as a Vietnam War veteran in Hawaii. It quickly demonstrated that to be taken seriously in the world of Private Investigation you had to sport a quality soup strainer. The Mo added to the seriousness of Magnum’s role. Catching the never ending flow of bad guys is not a business for the faint of heart or the thin of Mo. The industry laws in Hawaii seemed pretty relaxed at the time. But in New Zealand to be a P.I. (please note Magnum hated the term P.I.), you must obtain a licence from the Ministry of Justice. Other than having the correct top lip growth, previous experience in the police force or in law may help you break into the industry. Read more about becoming a private investigator.

Pro wrestler

As a child of the ’80s I remember watching television on a Friday night and melting in my seat as “When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside” blared from my television set. Shortly there after “Hulk” Hogan would emerge from back stage to the cheers of the crowd and my living room. From that instant it became clear that to achieve greatness in the realm of professional wrestling one needed to carry a powerful handlebar moustache. When Hogan was down and out at the hands of Andre The Giant or Sargeant Slaughter he would draw power from his yellow crumb catcher, finding the strength to land the unbeatable guillotine leg drop and pin his opponent for the three count. For any “Hulkamaniacs” still in New Zealand check out Impact Pro Wrestling as a way of adding some work life balance to your mo growing existence. I am especially drawn to the fine growth of the Waipukurau Warrior. You are THE MAN! Read more about becoming a professional sportsperson.

Fishing captain

Sometimes when you are alone at sea you need to have your best friend with you. What better friend could a man have than a great Moustache? As a fishing captain you could spend time in the sea breeze, straining droplets of sea salt as you navigate the ocean blue. After years out battling the elements a Moustache detracts from the weathered face of a man who has battled with the elements day after day and lived to tell the tale. The responsibility of a fishing skipper is an important part of the job. A good moustache gives a strong indicator of leadership qualities. You see it and think, this is a man I will follow anywhere. Most fishing captains start out as deck hands, learning the art of moustache care along with the skills required to be successful for a life at sea. They then obtain qualifications by amassing hours at sea and completing some classroom-based training. If a life on the oceans waves interests you, the New Zealand Maritime website shows all the course providers who can give you the in-class training you need for the job. Read more about becoming a fishing skipper.

Food technologist

Sometimes after a hard day’s work at Careers New Zealand I like to go home and relax by popping the top off a packet of Pringles. There, staring back at me is a magnificently moustachioed man. Now this guy knows a thing or two about making a quality chip. Who makes chips? Food Technologists. So by my logic, if you are sporting a killer mo the ideal job for you would be a Food Technologist; not just making chips but bringing other tasty snacking treats to our homes. The Mo would come in handy for testing the quality of a product by tasting the crumbs of a product again days after initial tasting. This makes the moustache the ideal instrument for effective quality control. Most people entering the industry have a Bachelor’s degree in food science. So you have plenty of time to harness your full mo growing potential. What is even cooler is that the logo for the New Zealand Institute of Food Science even looks a bit like a mo with crumbs on it. Read more about becoming a food technologist.

Business analyst

At Careers New Zealand there is a man with exceptional powers of Mocentration. His role as a Business Analyst within the organisation is to analyse the systems and procedures the organisation uses, looking at improving efficiency based on the data. The moustache allows him to effectively comb through data, making recommendations as he deems fit. He uses his Mo to channel his communication skills into creating reports as he sits at his computer stroking his follicles. When presenting information to colleagues, the moustache mesmerises the audience as they agree to everything he says. If you are looking for ways to turn your mo into a weapon of power, the role of Business Analyst may be for you.

So to all you guys and gals out there supporting Movember this month, either by growing a moustache or supporting someone who is, I congratulate your efforts. If you are one of the many great Kiwi men who sport a Mo 365 days a year, I salute you.